• nsughaiyer

I Am Different Now!

Updated: Aug 31, 2019

Photo by Ross Findon

Let's talk about change.

A change that’s unexpected and unrestricted.

A change that’s constant and infinite.

I'm a totally new person now. A different person. A better one.

I am not sure why I'm saying that. I sometimes ask myself:

Is this change really real? How can I explain it? How can I show it?

Do I really need to show it!

The last 8 months have been exciting, difficult and life-changing.

I just returned from my two-month journey of solitude and adventure around the states. This came just after six months of self-doubt, sickness and a near-death/near-birth kind of an experience.

My journey over the last two months was a pilgrimage of discovery and faith. I met so many people from all backgrounds. People I thought never existed in this world.

I met myself.

I never thought that I would meet myself. I thought I knew myself.

But then I met people and went through experiences that proved to me that I know little about myself.

My life was shaken, in its deepest core.

My belief system was challenged.

My thoughts were erased and replaced with new ones.

That's where the change took place… at the deepest roots of my soul.

It may not show clearly on me.

If you have met my old-self two months ago and then met my now-self, you would have never noticed any change. Even now, most people wouldn’t know that I've changed.

Because from the outside, I look the same.

But from the inside, I'm completely different.

I'd say I'm also indifferent.

Indifferent of anybody's thought of me. For the first time in my life, I am starting to believe that what people think of me is none of my business. I feel I can be myself not caring about what people think of me.

Don't get me wrong. I still care. I care about the people I love in my life. Those who matter to me the most. Not just anyone. But those few who are always on my mind and in my heart. And I do care about myself.

Except my care now is a different type of care. It's a minimalist care. And a deeper one.

I've completely changed.

And I'm yet to understand what this change means and I'm also yet to figure out how to use this change in my favour and in the favour of others.

It's been a few days since I came back. And my old life was already turned around just within few days.

I'm now decluttering, deciding what matters to me the most, and letting go of what matters to me “any less than” the most.

Since I arrived back here, I've been starting my days at 5 am, running 3 km, walking for another 5 km, and meditating for a full hour. Unlike in the past, now I take care of my physical health, my food, my breath and my sleep. I now live at the speed of life (and not the speed of the accelerating capitalistic world).

Since I came back, the first three hours of my everyday life have been dedicated to exploring this change within me, and allowing it to take a space in me and in my life.

Change does not come from the outside.

Change starts from the inside.

And unless you give it a space to move from your inside to your outside, your change in your beliefs, thoughts, or feelings will not last. And people will not see it or be impacted by it.

That's what I'm doing now...

I'm giving it a space.

I'm giving it time.

I'm giving it my love.

Most of the times, we are terrified of change. I am terrified of change. I'm scared of this specific wave of change.


I'm afraid of rejection.

I'm afraid of being casted out by people. My people. The people I am surrounded by. The people I serve. The people I've lived most of my life with.

Will they understand why I'm changing?

Do they have to ever understand?

With these questions, I guess I still care about people after all. I now think this change has never been about not caring about people.

It may have been about acceptance…

Accepting that I can never let go of caring about what others think of who I am. Accepting that I will always be afraid of resistance. Accepting that resistance to the way I choose to live my life is part of living life to the fullest.

I need the strength, the love, and the support of my tribe (the people I love and belong to), as I navigate this change and attempt to bring my fullest self to my own community.

When my tribe was close to me, I felt shielded. It has given me safety and power I can never describe.

And though it may feel like this shield is now gone,

I'm still determined to follow through this change. From the inside to the outside.

I am still committed to expressing myself to my fullest. To be who I am, and to allow myself to be the love I want to receive from the world.

Whenever I am reminded that my shield is gone, I will always remind myself that there was no shield in the first place. That I was always unprotected. It was the feeling of being connected, which made me feel protected.

I am still connected to my tribe. I am still connected to the people who inspire me. In spite of distance, I still have them next to me. And that's safety. That's love.

All I need to do is to just remember...

To keep them in my thoughts.

To keep them in my presence.

And to keep their presence in my life.

It's been four days since I came back and I can't wait to share myself with the world.

There's so much that I would like to share with the world.

So many gifts. So much Magic.

I look forward to the coming days, weeks, months and to however long I get to live.

And I can’t wait to tell you all about it.

Yours in Magic,


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