• nsughaiyer

My Every Night Battle

Updated: Oct 19, 2018

To all the souls who struggle to sleep at night, I feel you. Hang in there!

Photo by Kinga Cichewicz

It’s almost midnight!

As I lie in bed, a strong urge keeps me up.

It’s whispering to me in a kind voice…

Psst! Do not sleep.

Do not end this day.

There’s still more.

If you sleep, you’ll never know what you’ll miss.

I go to the kitchen.

I grab a glass of water.

I am not even thirsty.

I just hope maybe on the way to the kitchen or back to my bedroom, something new may come up.

Nothing happens.

How silly.

What was I expecting to happen!

I am back in bed.

Ready to sleep.

Ready to end my day.

The voice comes back. It’s whispering again. But this time in regret…

Psst! Is that all?

That’s not it.

Trust me.

There’s more to your day.

Sleep can wait.

You didn’t do enough today.

You could have done better.

I grab my phone.

I check what I've missed.

I see my notifications.

I read my messages.

Nothing much.

I see my follow-up tasks for work.

I see my friends sharing their days.

I read few articles.

I watch few videos.

Then, I put away my phone.

I get back to sleep.

This time I really give up.

I give up on the day holding anything exciting for me.

I admit to myself.

I lived an average day.

This wasn’t a great day.

I don’t deserve this.

I deserve better.

I am ready to sleep.

I am ready to end my day.

The voice comes back. This time, it’s whispering in fear.

Psst! Wait a second.

Did you just say you were ready to end your day?

What if you don’t wake up tomorrow!

What if today was your last day!

I start thinking.

Oh shit! That’s a bad thought.

I find myself falling into existential angst.

I am full of worry and fear.

My leg is tingling.

My hand is fidgeting.

I switch to the other side of the bed.

It worked.

I don't feel that anymore.

For five seconds only.

Oh! It’s back again.

I turn to the other side.

I tell myself, this isn’t the time to ponder.

I close my eyes.

This time for real.

I get ready to leave the night.

I am ready to sleep.

I am ready to end my day.

And I am ready to start a new one tomorrow.

The voice comes back. This time, it’s filled with hope.

Psst! When you wake up tomorrow…

What will you do differently?

Will you do all the things you didn’t do today?

I start thinking.

Tomorrow will be different.

I will finish this task.

I will ditch that habit.

I will start that project.

I will open up to her.

I will be honest with him.

I will hug my mom.

I will apologize to my dad.

I will thank my friends.

Tomorrow will be different.

I will be proud.

I am full of hope.

I am ready to sleep now.

I am ready to end my day.

And I am ready to start a new one.

I close my eyes.

I get back in my comfortable position.

Few minutes later, I start wondering…

Where’s that voice?

Is it gone?

I guess.

As I rest in knowing that it’s gone,

As I finally feel the warmth of my bed,

As I find my way into the world of peace,

As I am about to enter the state of calmness,

A new voice comes in.

This time, it’s shouting in confidence…


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