Not Good Enough
Every wise or inspiring post online ends with a realization or an advice.
I've been having tough months. Extremely tough. I cleared my life from almost everything I had and used to do in my old story. I detached myself from my job, hobbies, and people, and left the things I loved doing the most.
This was all so I could allow myself to live in stillness and be able to listen to silence... Only to be surprised to be hearing a loud voice of doubt. So loud that the more I listened to it, the more it sounded familiar, like old stories from the past.
Never reached a place of doubt in my life as deep as where I am now. Terribly doubtful about my abilities, achievements, and potential.
I dismissed all my "successes", however big or many. I managed to belittle myself and my confidence.
Not good enough. Not good enough. No matter what I do. No matter what others say. Not. Good. Enough.
That's not it. I also topped it up with a deep feeling of envy of the people I love the most, thinking I'll never have what they have.
I know I should not be talking about all this (as many told me to just ignore it and stop saying it out loud). And that I should get myself busy with my work and my passions.
But I am not doing that yet.
I am staying with this voice. I will remain doubtful. I will continue listening no matter how disturbing it is. It's difficult, yet necessary to stay in this space to face, listen and love that voice.
It may leave. It may not. It doesn't matter. I am staying with it and loving it.
I am only writing this to stay honest and match my online life with my current offline life.
I also would like to encourage others who can relate to this, to confront and not deny their difficult thoughts or feelings. I encourage you to face them and talk about them with someone you trust.
I wish I had answers for myself or for you. It's still happening. I am still going through it.
I am not calling for sympathy, support, advice, or words of encouragement here (though I fully appreciate it and I thank you for your good intention). Everything is fine here.
I just wanted to post a wise and inspiring post without a realization or advice!