The Shame of Not Making More Money
Updated: Oct 9, 2019
Almost every day, I don't make money.
Sometimes I do. Most times I don't.
Ever since I started my company, I've been doing inconsistent work here and there. When I do work, I get an income. When I don't, I don't get any money.
I would be lying if I said it's a struggle. It's not. It's indeed a blessing!
I am not rich, but I managed to create a minimalist lifestyle where my spending and my needs are kept to minimum. This means that the required money for me to live a good life is very minimal. When I land those inconsistent and few business jobs, my minimal needs are covered. When I don't, I burn cash from my savings.
And yes, I am well aware of my runway (the length of time I can survive if my income and expenses stay constant). Unless there is a sudden emergency to find more money, which is always a possibility on my radar, I know that everything is always going to be fine this way!
I feel blessed being able to live this life, because I get paid in a difference currency... TIME!
I get to pay in days, hours, and minutes instead of Dirhams/ Dollars.
I invest in whatever the hell I want to do. I get to do what I want, whenever and wherever I want.
I write. I act. I teach. I serve my clients. I meditate. I connect with nature. I spend time with family. I exercise. I sleep better. I work on challenging long-term projects. I experiment with insane and high risk ideas.
(There is a different challenge on how to keep discipline and intention in spending this time purposefully- that's for another blog post).
Where I find it interestingly challenging is how much shame I feel about earning and living with less.
I constantly get told by friends, family, and even strangers how much risk and sacrifice I am living with.
They try to convince me to find a full-time job.
They assume I come from a rich family, or haven't seen the "real and harsh" life.
They challenge me to admit that I am not living a good life.
They even pity me, and wish that I come back to my senses.
Whether the shame of feeling that I am wasting opportunities and blowing up my life; The shame of my privileges and my humble savings that I worked hard for;
The shame of looking poor in a community that values materialism;
Or the shame of just simply looking like an idiot who, at the age of 29, has "not got their shit together" (job, money, marriage, kids,...).
I am starting to get more comfortable with the shame I've been feeling everyday living the life I happily chose to live. Shame is starting to fly away the more I stuck around with my decisions and the more I see and love that shame.
I learned an important lesson by living with less the last period...
Once you've chosen a life of your own (job vs. business vs. jobless, or rich vs. moderate vs. minimalist), it's never healthy to live with the guilt of what-if or the shame of why-so.
You can only reap all the fruits of following your path, when you allow your guilt and shame to be seen and loved. Once they are fully seen and acknowledged, you will be left with peace and clarity on your path.
That's when you'll start seeing commitment and results.
May you always get the money you are ready to receive.
Until next post. That will be tomorrow.
Did you hear? I write everyday now :)
Yours in Magic,